In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this