[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
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jesus christ confetti not now
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?