me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
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* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Strange
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled