Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
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I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
👾👾👾
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The Joker was right
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Beware of the dog..