ibopfufen
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baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Dammit Chief not again
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.