A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
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[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
relationship goals
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.