I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
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That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it