When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.