1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
You Might Also Like
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Usage Guidelines
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Good morning.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?