Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Proctology is located in A55
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.