My teenage children choosing violence
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Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.