So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
That 👊
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!