Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
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me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
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