I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
You Might Also Like
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
This will teach them to underestimate me
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.