Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.