for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
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God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣