coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
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Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?