Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
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Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.