They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
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Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.