to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
You Might Also Like
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
at ease…shoulder.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.