Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’