once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
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Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.