Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
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Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.