I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.