formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
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Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*