Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.