“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.