Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
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Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.