Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
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good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows