WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
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shit just got real
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.