*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
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Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.