The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!