Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live