Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
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My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
#math
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.