Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
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Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.