When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
You Might Also Like
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.