MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.