Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
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Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
opening twitter today
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.