Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
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This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.