I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I need to update my racial profile.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.