Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
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My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
went fishing caught a bass
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Every time my phone rings
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help