Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
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My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
🔦🌙👣
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.