I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse