“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
You Might Also Like
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk