Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
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CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
m’lady
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.