*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language