There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.