A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
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Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Facebook memories be like
Sing it!
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
If snakes were wide
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.