Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.