Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
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I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I’ll be mad as hell!
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”